How to Fake Speaking French…Pathetic!

After almost 18 years in Paris, the conclusion is that my level of French ‘sucks.’ Last night at the Parler Parlor French-English Conversation Group  that I co-founded more than 14 years ago with Marie-Elisabeth Crochard Fasanella Fitère (yep, married a few times), it was clear that of all the people in the group, my level of effort these past years was the lowest of all.

It’s pathetic.

I admit to avoiding doing much of anything in French…particularly reading or writing, of which I have never learned to do well, much less do at all. When the French TV programs come on, I surf till there is something in English. If the Web site is in French, Google translates it to English. If I hear a French person speaking English, the conversation immediately moves from French to English.

Yep, it’s pathetic.

As an “autodidact,” when it came time to enroll in French classes, I headed for the hills (of Montmartre). The excuse? Why sit in a classroom when there is a big beautiful city out there to explore and lots of real French people on the street with which to practice speaking? Right?

For a short time I tried a private teacher, but drove her nuts with bad attitude and we parted ways not long after. That’s when the conversation group became a perfect alternative — as a way of ‘forcing’ myself to learn this very difficult language in a non-threatening environment.

Actually, it worked. It took a long time, but it worked…at least to speak and then years later, actually comprehend. There is simply nothing more valuable than practice.

In the meantime, I learned how to ‘fake’ the French so no one would know I didn’t understand a word of what they were saying.

One way is to respond to whatever someone says with “Ah, bon?” And then, they just continue on saying whatever they were saying and you continue saying “Ah, bon?” until you both say “Au revoir.” It works…for a while, too.

There’s a video on YouTube.com that offers several alternatives to that. These are valuable lessons for someone as pathetic as me.

For all these years, I’ve found a way around certain bits of French that are tough to maneuver…like the “subjonctif.”

“Il faut que…” never leaves the lips. There are lots of ways round this. For example, you can say “Il est important que tu boives du vin.” (It is important that you drink wine.) Or you can say “Il est important de boire du vin.” (It is important to drink wine.) Who will know the difference?

Another one I’ve never gotten is the verb “asseoir” (to sit). Asseoir has two complete sets of conjugations. Plus, it can be reflexive. Help! There is no way I’m every going to get this one, so I am never ‘sitting’ nor is anyone around me! However, they do “prendre la chaise” (to take the chair), or “vouloir changer sa place” (to want to change his/her place). No one seems to notice that ‘sitting’ is just not happening.

When in conversation, if the vocabulary in French is missing, then it’s easy to simply ask, “comment dire…blah, blah, blah?” And then someone offers it up and no one is the wiser that my level of French sucks.

See? Faking French is easy…but perhaps, pathetic.

The truth is I can manage to hold a conversation in French with anyone on just about anything, but particularly anything related to construction. The contractors, electricians, plumbers and the like are mostly immigrants with accents worse than mine, but who speak better and faster. With them there is no problem. They might not even notice the mistakes.

Marie-Elisabeth told me over dinner last night that my 18 years of bad habits are going to be tough to break and what I need is a private teacher.

Ha! No doubt, as a 27-year veteran Berlitz director, she is right. And then she laughed and said, “But you’re never going to do it, right?”

That’s when I realize how pathetic it is that after all these years, my level of French sucks.

Any suggestions?

 A la prochaine…

Adrian Leeds
Editor, Parler Paris

Marie-Elisabeth and Adrian at the Parler Parlor 14th Anniversary Party

Respond to Adrian

P.S. If your level of French sucks, join us at Parler Parlor. It’s fun, it’s free the first time you come and it really works! For more information, visit Parler Parlor.

P.P.S. Visit our new Web page about language learning to discover all the great ways of NOT BEING PATHETIC and learning French the right way! Visit French Language Learning